I've got a million of these little gems and I'm not afraid to use them all! Puns are the lowest form of humor indeed. Pshaw, I say to you!
In any case, it certainly was an impressive performance from the men in orange, with three goals of real quality and a hat trick for Brad Davis in a late attempt to weasel his way into the Copa America side. And all of this accomplished without four starters! I questioned the quality of Houston's depth in the early going this season, but I'll hold my hand up now and say "I was wrong". Watch out league, the Dynamo look like a bear that some fool's been poking at with a pointy stick! Chivas just happened to be in the vicinity when they got around to mauling somebody.
Let's see, the Dynamo are hyper-organized, stifling in defense, shoot with power and accuracy, and can knock the ball around a bit to boot. I'm just hoping United look as impressive against MLS's punching bag - RSL - this weekend. Then we can finally start to relax into the season as Houston and United go about dominating proceedings as all of us ass-hat amateur pundits (and the pros as well) can console ourselves with the knowledge that we are in possession of keen soccer minds. Damn, I've got to get that tongue out of my cheek.
On to the inevitable criticisms of ESPN. Way to go with missing Ngwenya's breakaway and eventual red-cardable fouling for your crappy "30 at 30" segment. Honestly, who in this modern age of ubiquitous sports information can't read your stupid ticker or check other scores on a laptop or, heaven forbid, change the channel if they want news unrelated to the game in progress? Oh, and Mr. Whipping-boy Stoner, see me in the office please.
Now, I know that your producers are complicit in this nonsense, but why the hell did we need to see a shot of your text messaging? Just pass along the anecdote for a little color and move on. While we've got the producers on the line. Hey, just a thought, but in this era of big-ass TV's, why isn't the entire (unnecessary) sideline segment in a little window?
I keep saying every week how I'm getting sick of complaining about this "it's good enough for the other sports" quackery, so maybe from now on, I'll wrap the "Thursday Night Futbol" column with "ESPN sucks!" or "ESPN, demonstrating once again that it's a Mickey-Mouse broadcaster when it comes to soccer" in deference to all the pathetic British pundits ascending their soapboxes to decry the quality of MLS. Actually, that last bit sort of does run true with ESPN being a Disney property and all, so that may stick.