So You Want To Be a Caption Writer?

Check out the caption on this photo that ran with the KC-LA match writeup on MLSNet. Pardon my math, but Conrad's red (the first for the Wiz) came in minute 57, which seems to me to be two-thirds of the way through the damn match. So, were they playing in some weird dimension where space-time is warped? How does one-third equal "most" of the match? Perhaps a wormhole spontaneously manifested in Arrowhead Stadium? Would anybody even notice?

And if you read the recap and take a gander at the stats - heck, maybe you could even take a look at the highlights - could you please tell me how exactly the Galaxy managed to control the match? Was Gordon mesmerizing them by liberating his man-boobs from the sports bra? Seriously - look at that photo up there and tell me I'm crazy (Jewsbury is getting quite the eyeful, isn't he?). Was the glare off of Donovan's ever-expanding forehead blinding them? Where is this supposed control the Gals were exerting? I don't know about you, but three shots with only one on frame really says "control" to me. Ugh!