The Secret Algebra of Kevin Payne

So by now you've most likely heard that BobbyBoswell.com/blog.unfocused is packing his bags for the defending champs down in Houston, while Zach Wells and a draft pick pile into the back of mom's mini-van and head to the District to replace the Scandanavia-bound Troy Perkins in the United net. Personally, I would have preferred to upgrade to the Cannon model (facial hair sold separately), as a Wells for Perkins swap is a bit of a horizontal move.

As far as Boswell goes--I'm not all that broken up. Ever since that damn blog came along and stole his affections, he's been a ruined shambles of a center back. I guess the only important questions will be . . .

1. What the hell are we going to do about depth? I trust that the front office is taking a serious look at center back talent down in South America--I don't think we'll be pulling a rabbit out of the draft-day hat that can fill that particular gaping void.
2. Does the Boz-blog undergo a facelift? He can't keep all that black and red around now that he's a Dynamo . . . Dynamite . . . Dynamer . . . Dynacologist, can he?

Just about now, you'll be wondering about that title up there. "What Secret Algebra?" you'll be asking. In the spirit of conspiracy theorists everywhere, let me present my shirt-naming-cap theory.

Ever wonder why Cobi Jones went to "Cobi" on the back of his jersey? Some sort of crazed Brazilian poseur move by the dread-locked one as he stumbled towards the end of his long and storied career? Nope--that was the Galaxy saving every last letter on the shirt backs in order to squeeze in their Methuselahnic additions to the fold.

Ever wonder why the Red Bull roster was so thin last year? You try fitting extra players under the shirt-naming-cap when you've got freakin' Dave van den Bergh hogging all the letters!

So how does this apply to DC United? I'm glad you asked. Take a look--by swapping "Boswell" for "Wells", you've gone and netted yourself an extra "bo" under the shirt-naming-cap. Now, go ahead and call me nuts. Go ahead, I'll wait. I'm patient like a fox (are foxes patient? Probably not, but you get my point . . . implied threat . . . whatever).

Now, follow along in your conspiracy manuals and recall that United's equipment manager is Francisco Tobar, a speaker of Spanish and sometime-translator for the English-impaired among the Latin American roster bloc. Taking for granted the negligible pronunciation difference between "b" and "v" in Spanish (no hate-mail from the dialect-nazis, please), let's assume that Tobar allows himself to ignore this distinction.

From this point, it's fairly easy to see that the only letters needed to complete the rumored acquisition of Veron under the shirt-naming-cap (note that there are NO designated players under the shirt-naming-cap!) are "e", "r", and "n"--all of which are on the table, courtesy of Mr. Perkins' imminent departure. Of course, this might also be a prologue to a move away from United for Jaime Moreno, another possessor of the necessary e-r-n confluence.

My friends, keep those tin-foil hats shined and ready, the off-season has only just begun!