FBF Glossary: Kapitän Kissypants

Landon Donovan has a lot going for him. All time leading goal-scorer for the US. International youth trophies. A closet full of US Player of the Year awards. Three MLS Cups. Cute wife.

But he's also an insufferable punk at times and can be massively infuriating for fans and foes alike. Why can he only really play when he's angry? Is he the freakin' Hulk? Why do MLS referees continually take his snarling abuse without any hint of admonishment? Why do the pitches of Europe seem to be laced with Kryptonite for him? Why did he ever pose for this?


And for God's sake, what the hell is with the kissing routine before penalties? I haven't seen the full-on orgiastic ritual lately, but I bet you can dig up the sorry evidence on the youtubes somewhere. That pathetic display of self-canoodling, combined with his status as captain of the US team at the time, landed him the moniker of Captain Kissypants here on FBF, a title I've amended to Kapitän Kissypants in light of his continued struggles in Germany, to wit . . .

Bayer Leverkusen - Strike 1!
World Cup 2006 - Steeeeeerike 2!
Bayern Munich - Strike 3, you're out!

All hail the Kapitän! (You can now resume your mutinous muttering behind his back).

See also: the Fivehead, when forehead just doesn't express the extent of the depilation.