Sporran Not Included

Okay. It's not just me. I've asked a few people if this thing looks like it should be worn with a kilt and have 100% agreement.

Wait a minute...Isn't Beckham intent on leading Team Great Britain at the London Olympics this summer? What better way to get the Scots on board with his leadership, eh?

So...has anybody seen the "shorts" the Galaxy are supposed to wear with this abomination?

Run, David, Run!

Nice! Check out the rest of the Photoshoppery skills on display at the Guardian, but be prepared to hate me forever for the first image that loads in the gallery...

Catfight!

So, Kapitan Kissypants has returned from his Euro-adventure, and apparently, he's in a bitchy mood. Witness his reaction to Becks' "time share" move (via SI.com) . . .

"That isn't a decision I would take," Donovan said. "I personally wouldn't feel it would be fair to this team to show up midseason and have to try to integrate. I would want to be here from the beginning."

Oh dear! Better hide the women and children, I sense an epic catfight on the horizon.

Let Me Get This Straight

So let me get this whole "Designated Player" thing figured out. Bear with me.

1. Sign world star with many caps for big national team. Flash the colors. Sell some shirts.

Check!

2. See moments of brilliance buried amidst general disinterested apathy and injury setbacks. Check!

3. MLS club enters off-season expecting return of designated player. Check!

4. Player has head turned during return visit to place of origin (eg. Sudamerica, Euro-land). Check!

5. Player engineers return (either immediate or prolonged) to storied club in said land of origin. Check!

6. Miraculous recovery of former skill level leads to sterling showings for new club and displays of unabashed joy at doing so.

Check!

Double Check!

So, what's going on here? Are we to believe that MLS is some kind of weird fountain of youth for these guys, rejuvenating careers that seemed to be on the decline? What's next? Freddy Ljungberg goes to Barcelona to "keep in shape" over the 09-10 off-season and ends up defecting to the Camp Nou where he goes on a rampage with a smile a mile wide as he's buried under the embraces of Messi, Xavi, Puyol, et al?


[Special thanks to commenter QJA for the Gallardo-shaped video spur for this post.]

Monday Back-Pass: Cloudy With A Chance of Red Cards

Like the current weather here in the PA highlands, this weekend was generally nasty with sporadic appearances from the sun. Let's hit the highlights . . .

Time for the Panic Button?

So, two weeks until we kick off the season, and the new-look DC United defense got its first taste of MLS opposition. How'd that work out then?

Swimmingly.

Great, so we brought in two centerbacks to solidify the back line--Peters and Jakovic. Both saw red. Of course, Jakovic has only been with the team for a few days, and Peters' dismissal came in the waning minutes, but 3-0 ought to be a wake-up call. I'm still not sold that we have the width and variety to just overpower MLS defenses, and the new center of our own defense will need time to bed in. It might be a long couple of months before things get settled, but do Tommy, et al have a couple of months to sort things out?

Also, in case you missed it, we lost Crayton and half of our potential starting midfield to injury in this match. I'm sure you're just as shocked as I am. Good thing we focused so much on getting the fitness right this time around, huh? Ugh (already!?!).

Show Me The Money!

The MLS salary list is out. I haven't had much of a chance to peruse it, but it looks like the developmental base salary may have climbed over 20k (barely over, but still . . .). On a United side note: who is Simms' agent? If Jacobson has a half-decent year, I'd advise him to look that dude up.

A final (we can only hope) note from the Beckswatch. Why is he even coming back? Fine, so the Gals get some roster wiggle room while he's away, but what are they supposed to do, sign some guys until July, and then let them go when Beckham strolls back into town? And a "friendly" with Milan? Oh, Jeebus, but what I wouldn't pay to hear the whispered conversations going on between Arena and Dema before this one kicks off! That's an awful lot of expensive Rosonerri ankles for the Demanator to have a lunge at.

A Couple of Cup Yanks

Anybody else worried by Howard's performance against Boro in the FA Cup? He didn't exactly look sure of himself between the poor positioning, butterfingers, and going walkabout in the penalty area to boot. Hmmm--well, at least he got away with it as Everton advanced. Deuce wasn't so lucky. Despite a decent performance that saw him squander a couple of half chances and engage in an impromptu wrestling match with Wayne Rooney, Fulham crashed out hard against Man United. Hardly surprising, though Fulham are usually a tougher prospect at home than this match would indicate.

Now That's Sexy Football!

Forget Gullit, apparently it's Carlos Bocanegra that's putting the sexy into football. Not content to merely be eye candy, he also helped Rennes pitch another shutout, even heading home their opener to boot. Not bad for L'Adonis Californique. It's just a shame that France isn't being so kind to all of our boys.


Anything else catch your eye this weekend? How about those three lovely goals that Arsenal put past Burnley? (Go find Eduardo's volley, you won't regret it.) Wondering if Real just handed Barca the title after so nearly getting back in the race? Are you disappointed or perversely happy that Donovan didn't finish that late volley in his last appearance for Bayern? Ready to break out the sandwich board and predict the end for DC United?

Let's hear it.

If Everybody Else Jumped Off A Bridge . . ?

You know what? I just spent a few minutes trying to compose a post about what I thought about the whole Team Beckham Brand Building Exercise #125B gone horribly wrong, but I'm feeling pretty dirty about the whole affair. Instead, let me just hit the salient points and be done with it . . .

• MLS HQ look like idiots for imposing a deadline and then caving. Sure, an "extended loan" isn't a "transfer," but he's going to be missing half the season. Pathetic.
• Bruce is screwed. He can't fill the missing cap space because Becks is coming back to gobble it all up.
• The dude hacked it out with a bunch of scrubs in LA for a year and a half, and suddenly found his muse again when surrounded by his peers. It happens. He'll buy himself out of LA at the end of the season and we'll be done with it. He isn't, and never was, going to be the messiah of American soccer. Did we ever need one?
• For the crowd who think this means we'll never land another marquee player in MLS, pass me some of what you're smoking/drinking/injecting/licking.
• If LA/MLS are really getting the money that's being talked about, and Becks still has to buy himself out of his contract, that's a business win. I think the novelty sold the shirts it was going to sell, and the crowds were getting jaded. Also, it's not a bad economic time to be moving out from under a massive contract.
• I think we're pretty much all in agreement that Becks won't be here come 2010, right?

Yawn. Alright, that's enough. I need to go take a shower now. Who's with me?

Uh . . . not the shower part. I meant, "who else is ready to move on"? Come along, kiddies, First Kick 2009 is just a few weeks away. Let's get ready to enjoy a solid season of soccer with all of its requisite ups, downs, and loop-the-loops, not the least of which will be "The Return of Beckham!" to inject fresh life in the dog days of summer. Let's not sulk along like the hordes of teenage girls sobbing in their Beckham 23 gear, rendered shriek-less by the sheer inhumanity of it all. We're fans of the game and the league, right? Will those disappear because Beckham does?

Nope. Now, where's that bridge?

Pinging the Satellite of Love

How about some quick thoughts . . ?


Escape From LA?

Looks like the Bruce is doing some severe pruning on that tangled mess of a Galaxy roster. Of course, the biggest question marks will be hanging over his current Euro-exiles. Donovan's exclusion from Bayern's Champions' League squad, and said squad's subsequent away hammering of Sporting, would seem to indicate that Der Kapitan Kissypants is on his way back home when the loan ends. That said, I think his return may be short term. If he's really that eager to prove himself on the Euro-stage, a summer departure would seem likely.

And what about that other guy putzing around in Italy? What are the chances he'll be pulling on the Herbalife jersey this spring? A couple of weeks ago, I would have put it close to 5%. I still think a deal will probably get done, but the current silence and rounds of "he said, she said" is a bit strange. Of course, if Golden Balls does return, he'll fit right in with Arena's cast of grizzled 30-somethings.


Oh, Canada?

By now, I'm sure you've seen the numbers from Montreal. 55k packed in a dome. And in true north of the border style, they served up a steaming dish of 2-0 to their Mexican opposition. Impressive stuff. But let's see how the Islanders do tonight, and how Montreal's away leg goes before we start spreading our collective thighs for the wonders of USL1 futbol.

Still, I'll admit to taking no small pleasure in watching Oswaldo Sanchez picking balls out of his net. One does wonder, however, if Sanchez and his amigos have so little respect for the US National Team, what kind of arrogance were Santos carrying into a match against second-division opposition from north of the border?


Minnesota Thunder United?

After last year's United Cast-Off Exodus to Vancouver, it looks like the northern migration of the UCOE will end in the Twin Cities this year, with "Iron" Rod Dyachenko and Quavas "Tiberius" Kirk washing up in Minnesota. Strangely, United have a Thunder player in their own camp (GK Nic Platter) on trial. Possible feedback loop?


Anything else pinging your Satellite of Love? Wonder if it's possible to only hire Rafa Benitez to coach your side in the Champions' League? Think Donovan will last the year in LA? Pulling for the USL sides in CONCACRAP? Wondering if United will sign a centerback before the roster deadline (4 days and counting . . .)? Dreading meeting the Thunder in the USOC and suffering the "wrath" of Iron Rod?

Fire away!

Monday Back-Pass: The End is the Beginning is the End

Let's hit the rewind button and see what caught my eye this weekend from around the world of futbol . . .


Done and Dusted?

Even though Liverpool managed to ride the late, late Torres-show to victory yet again, I think you saw this weekend why the race for the Prem is dead. Man United went away to one of the form teams in the league missing some key components and, though they suffered a few nervous moments, last ditch tackles and interceptions kept West Ham from ever really threatening van der Saar's long shutout streak.

Liverpool, on the other hand, needed to fight back to level terms twice and grab the late winner against a side that's been nothing short of miserable in recent months. Yes, yes, they were playing an experimental lineup without many of their regular starters, but that lack of true depth is going to hamstring them down the stretch run. And you can't count on every Prem side to throw up the kind of defensive and mental miscues that Portsmouth did on Sunday.

What about the other contenders? What other contenders? Arsenal? Fading into oblivion with a damaged squad. Even with a team full of Lazaruses (Lazari?), 12 points is a huge margin to overcome. Chelsea? A draw at home to a Hull City club in free-fall? Yeah, not so much. Villa? Maybe the only ones that might press Liverpool for #2, but they might be a little thin to do even that. Still, a Champions' League spot should be fitting reward for an excellent season. Fitting, until of course, participation in said tourney undermines their league form next year.

But what about the domestic front . . ?


Roger-less in DC?

Oh dear. The veteran hand that was supposed to steady the young United back line has decided that the American Dream isn't for him. So where does that leave United? Desperately looking for a veteran presence in defense, I'd say. Can they get a signing done quickly enough to integrate the newcomer before First Kick, or were all of the FO's eggs in one Brazilian basket?

I'll hope for the former, but prepare for the latter. Are you ready for Janicki-Veris? I suppose those of you hoping for a Mediate resigning will be happy, but if Mediate is our centerback depth, I'm more than a little worried. Besides, putting a guy who missed most of last season due to concussion-related problems in the one spot on the field where he's most likely to head the ball and encounter flying elbows seems a bit . . . questionable?

We shall see. Even with the addition of Roger, I still felt we were entirely too thin on defense. Without Roger? Yikes!

In other, somewhat related defensive depth news . . .


Not Many Choices

That's the situation Bob Bradley is looking at as he heads into the opening round of the Hex. A look at his 20-man roster reveals that most of the team pretty much picks itself. Chinger-Donovan up top, Dempsey on the right flank, Bradley Jr.-Kljestan in the center of midfield, Timmy Howard in goal, Gooch-Boca in front of him. That leaves just three spots up for grabs, but of those, I only see one that I would question.

Beasley's been out injured and hasn't been playing much for Rangers, but given the inexperienced alternatives (Rogers and Torres), I think he starts on the left. Similarly, I think Bob gives Hejduk the nod over Wynne for similar reasons. Which leaves left back, where we have the Bornstein-Pearce Conundrum. Pearce hasn't been getting regular minutes, but he's been the starter. Bornstein isn't in-season, so that probably negates any playing-time benefit he would see. I think Pearce gets the nod as Bob looks to continuity.

And finally . . .


Arrivederci, Becks?

Look, we know it's happening, it's just a matter of how much money MLS can get for him. After Milan showed their initial cards at $10 million, the Gals went hardball at $22 million to open. So where will the dust settle? Milan puts up $14 million, Becks kicks in $4 million in desperation-to-escape-LA money, and MLS pockets $18 million. That's my guess.

What do you think? Think LA and Milan can work a deal? Does Bob have any surprises in store for Sven? Where does the United FO go next in their search for defensive help? Can anybody catch Sir Alex and his red machine?

Random Pings From The Footiverse

A quick gaze across the vast expanse of the midweek Footiverse reveals . . .

• Another trialist at DC United's pre-season camp. Another forward? We've already got how many forwards and semi-forwards on the roster at the moment? Excuse me, FO, but this smacks of more death-by-lack-of-defensive-depth. What are we, Real Madrid of the early Naughts? The LA Galaxy? Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick, where are the defenders? Wait--don't tell me--you're happy with the depth you've got and you feel that there are guys on the roster ready to "step up" and play significant minutes. Broken record, guys. Broken record.
• Does anybody really think Beckham will be a Galaxy player come March? Hey, MLS! Go on, take the money and run. He doesn't want to be here. If you love somebody, set them free. How many more song lyrics can I crib?
  
• Magic of the Cup? Gosling just turned 19 (love that his Wikipedia page is already updated to reflect the goal!) I wonder what he'll have to do to top that for an emotional high in his playing career. In related news . . . apparently, it's not just ABC/ESPN that hates soccer.
  

Anything else catch your eye?

Monday Back-Pass: Super What?

So, did you watch the big game yesterday? Packed stadium. Massive occasion. All the big money stars. A last minute victory. The swirling snow . . . what? . . . Oh yeah, I guess there was that other game this weekend, but it was Liverpool-Chelsea that had my attention on Sunday. Still, grand occasions aside, let's begin a bit closer to home.


Here!

DC United's roster is approaching a completed state with additions of Roger and Jacobson. One more senior roster spot is up for grabs at the moment, assuming no trades and a healthy Bearded Bombardier. Where does the FO go with that last spot? More defensive help? Speed in attack or out wide? The return of Gomez?

Also take a look at partido dos of Soccernet's series on US youth development. This time the focus is on coaching, though I have to say that this second article doesn't measure up to the first part at all.

And it looks like the Camp Curse hasn't ended with the Sweden match. Holden is going home having banged up his hip. Will there be enough players left standing to face Mexico, or are we going to have to call in C-squaders to supplement the Euro-brigade?


There!

Even if the ref hadn't stepped in to "ruin" the game by showing Lampard a ridiculous red, I think Liverpool would have broken down Chelsea eventually. They were rampant, and deserved having Torres ride to the glorious last-minute rescue. Of course, if you happened to be watching a feed that stayed with the game after the whistle, you would have witnessed a less glorious, though all too common, John Terry bitchfest with the refs.

I have nothing but contempt for this clown. Did you see Lampard after his red? A rueful shake of the head and a disbelieving smile, and he marches off. Terry? In the ref's face, as always, with that pissy-punk snarl that's screaming for a boot to be planted in it. What a complete ass! You know, if ever you doubt the presence of a higher power, be it a Sky Daddy with the big stick, the karma police, or a wide-hipped Earth Mama, go YouTube Terry falling on his derrière as he takes a vital PK in the Champions' League final. Kinda makes you wonder, n'est pas?

Also--sticking with England for a moment--anybody else really excited by the way Dempsey has been playing lately? He's breaking out the trickery again and starting to really play with the fetters off. Here's hoping he can dance through Mexico in a week or so!


Everywhere!

If Lio Messi stays healthy, there's no way he's not taking home player of the year honors next time around. Barca were struggling until . . . on comes Messi. Two Messi goals later and they're walking out with all three points (although not until Mexico's Maquez walked off himself, courtesy of a second yellow) . Jeebus! If only the kid could stay healthy for a sustained stretch.

So Becks set the table twice in Milan's 3-0 stuffing of Lazio? Ruh-roh. Quick! Bruce, MLS HQ homunculi, what's Plan B!?


What else caught your eye this weekend? Donovan getting limited minutes in a loss for the supposedly invincible Bayern? Timmy Howard keeping out everything but a PK from the reigning Player of the Year?

If You're Happy And You Know It . . .

Take a look at his face.  Kid in a freakin' candy store.  Siyanara Becks!  It was nice to have you visiting these shores for a while.  Enjoy Milan.

Monday Back-Pass: The Great LA Midfield Exodus

. . . and Lo! The mountains were split asunder, and the seas drew back.
For the Midfielders of sprawling Los Angeles were on the march.
To Mexico! To Germany! To Scotland! And yea, verily, even unto Italy!
They mounted their glittering steeds, bade farewell
To the denizens of the Mighty (yet half-empty) Toolbox,
Strapped on their many hued boots,
And departed to a great gnashing of teeth.
Behold the weeping of shirt sponsors!
The wailing of the MLS ad-sales gnomes!
These were surely the final days . . .

Yes, there was the FA Cup 4th round, featuring a second Merseyside derby in quick succession (soon to be a third), Carrick and Berbatov doing the bloody knife-work on their old side, and the Blue Square Premier sides producing memorable displays. And yes, Barca continued to plow unchecked through La Liga while Real struggle gamely in their wake. True, there was the spectacle of the Annual Scandanavian Scrub Challenge, played in front of a living-room sized audience at the HDC. But the developing story is the Great Los Angeles Midfield Exodus.

First to go was Chivas USA's Mendoza, recalled by the Great Horned Goddess to the "mothership", as it seems MLS bloggers, journalists, et al, are legally required to refer to the Mexican parent club. Then Donovan started banging in the goals for Bayern in their warmups for the second half of the season, prompting much speculation about the duration of his loan.

Now, the other most-prominent midfielder at each of the LA-based MLS clubs is the subject of much breathless rumor-mongering and transfer-talk. Sacha Kljestan took a brief break from the USA's January camp to provide a test drive for Celtic, who have opened the bidding, though they're not the only suitor. This weekend's hat-trick against the Swedes will only serve to make this next week the more interesting. Bidding war?

But the big story, of course, is the "savior" of American soccer, Saint David himself, who managed to score for Milan this weekend. The worry for me isn't that he'll impress, it's that huge smile he breaks into and the way his new Milan teammates mob him after the goal. Forgive me if I haven't been paying close enough attention, but when has Beckham ever shown any glee in MLS? He looks rejuvenated and happy, rather than the dour, serious Beckham sporting the occasional half-smile that seems to be his de rigueur "MLS face." Witness! And wonder . . .

Tickle v. Tackle - Alex, Tommy & the Cirque du LA

It's been a while since I've done one of these, so let's have at it . . .

Alessandro Del Piero has been absolutely on fire lately, his goals belying his advanced years (34 on Sunday--Jeebus the dude's almost as old as moi!). If you didn't get to see the two that he scored against Real Madrid, in Madrid, last night, dig up the highlights. Suffice it to say, the Bernabéu gave him a rousing ovation as he was taken off.

Tickle - In the day and age of younger and younger superstars, particularly of the attacking ilk, blazing their paths of glory across the futbol universe (Messi, Ronaldo, Aguero, etc.), it's nice to see an old warhorse getting the Cocoon treatment . . .

Tackle - But what does this mean for all those rumors of bringing Alex to MLS? The Red Bulls were bandied about as a likely destination not so long ago, before the latest round of TFC gossip started swirling. My prediction? If he wants to be here, I wonder what Philadelphia is planning to do with their DP spot. Too old? I don't know. I'd take a 35-year-old Del Piero (in 2010) over a 32-year-old Ljungberg (in 2009) with bad knees any day of the week, what about you?

Tommy Soehn apparently gets a pass this season and looks set to return to the DC United bench for 2009 despite failing to make the playoffs and crashing out of the international competitions that were the front office's stated goal.

Tickle - As strange as it seems to someone who's never been Tommy's biggest fan, it is nice to see a professional sports organization not automatically press the knee-jerk "fire the bum" button. There is something to be said for continuity, as well as a bit of understanding when it comes to a stretched and wounded roster trying to fight on too many fronts.

Tackle - With that said, I'm still not happy with the decision unless--and this is a big unless--Tommy flat out told the FO when they were going Sudamericano shopping that he wanted to bring in some solid, hard-working domestic roster filler, and they failed to oblige him. If the FO didn't give him what he wanted, perhaps there is a case to be made for him. Of course, you have to weigh that against a team that failed to perform in several key matches and Tommy's often-baffling tactical and personnel decisions (Dyachenko anybody?). Color me neutral but leaning towards "well crap!" I'll be interested to see what sort of roster moves we make and if we treat the draft with a little more respect this time around.

They're scampering down the mooring lines like rats trying to get off the sinking LA Galaxy ship. Donovan wants to bolt for Europe. Beckham is going to Italy on loan against the backdrop of his possibly re-crossing the Pond after 2009. What does it all mean for the "flagship" franchise?

Tickle - Couldn't be happening to a nicer club. Seriously. I know I'm supposed to hate the Red Bulls, but that's kind of like picking on a mentally handicapped quadriplegic. No, the Galaxy are a much more satisfying object for my ire.

Tackle - But that said, Beckham--like it or not--makes LA the face of MLS that the world sees. If they're seeing highlights of an absolutely wretched side, that doesn't do MLS any favors when it comes to international respect. I wonder if losing Donovan's big salary, along with shipping Ruiz out a while ago, frees up enough cap space to build a competent side around Golden Balls for a decent 2009 run. If they put together a good season with some silverware, does Beckham stay? Is he even planning to leave?

So that's what's been swirling around my head in the last week or so. What's on your mind? Any potential subjects you want to toss out there for my consideration? Let's here 'em!

Tickle v. Tackle - Garber & Gazidis in the Obsidian Tower

Tickle: The other United bend Newcastle over the barrel--again (11-1 on aggregate, ouch!)--, while Les Canonniers have a brain-fart and drop two points at Birmingham to tighten up that mouthwatering race for the Prem title. If Gallas is any indication, the pressure is starting to get to Arsenal, but then Gallas has always been a bit of a drama queen . . .

Tackle: And an ugly one at that by Martin Taylor. Best wishes, prayers, karma, positive juju, et al go out to Arsenal's Eduardo, who suffered a potentially career ending injury. No links as I'm not so cruelly inclined, but Google and YouTube (GooTube?) should satisfy those with curiosity and an iron stomach to boot . . .


Tickle: From the looks of these Pan-Universe Ultimate Galactic Challenge Cage Match highlights, Becks looks like he's reverted to the right side of midfield for the Galaxy. A coach who won't be bullied by reputation, or Golden Balls accepting his natural role? Whatever the case, he created both goals for Lalas' Abomination, so that has to be encouraging, right? Riiiiight.

Tackle: In other news, the supporting cast trying to finish off those chances looked less than impressive. Not that that's a surprise, but it'll be interesting to see what kind of team the Galaxy are able to run out this season. Will the star-power carry them, or will they experience the fate of Galacticos past? If the "break out the orange slices" U-12 travel team defending is any indication, "Sexy Football" is predicated on being "easy" . . . to score on. Get your minds out of that gutter!



Tickle: Anybody else watch Aston Villa's Scott Carson fumble seemingly every ball kicked his direction in anger this weekend and wonder just how long it would have taken Brad Guzan to ease past him into the Villa net?

Tackle: That said, Villa still managed to dispose of Reading and their two Americans. It's somewhat worrying that the relegation spots are so littered with Yanks--two apiece at Reading and Derby and the American Foreign Legion currently encamped at Craven Cottage. Perhaps they'll feel more at home in the Coca Cola Championship than in the Barclays Premier League?



Tickle: The MLS silly season is heating up, with trades-a-flyin' and various and sundry foreign gents being wined and dined by clubs around the league. Just what mysterious and exotic talent will wind up on your club's roster this week? Stay tuned!

Tackle: Of course, all those foreign callers come at the expense of young and journeyman American players, who are increasingly leaving our sunny shores in search of a decent payday or giving up on soccer as a career altogether--for much the same reason. If it isn't a full-blown crisis yet, it's going to be. The league needs to have a steady and reliable supply of quality young Americans at its disposal, and the current developmental system is failing miserably. Factor in the current exodus with the addition of franchises in San Jose, Seattle, and Philadelphia, and the already thin talent pool goes to the molecular level. As a wise little fella once said, "I feel thin, like butter spread over too much bread." Too much bread indeed. You listening, Misters Garber and Gazidis? Up there in your obsidian tower, crouched on the skulls of the American talent pool, masturbating to your life-sized Beckham posters?

So what do we think of the new TvT format, kids? I'm starting to work the kinks out and put in the two-a-days--this being MLS blogger pre-season and all. Thumbs up? Thumbs down? Back to the proverbial drawing board?

Beckspiracy Defined

beck·spir·a·cy (bɛk-spîr'ə-sē)
n. pl. beck·spir·a·cies

1. a nefarious plot by a demonic cabal amongst the staff scriptwriters at MLS HQ that is designed to end in the LA (abbr. from: Lalas' Abomination) Galaxy winning MLS Cup 2007, despite the undeniable harm that will be done to both the credibility and reputation of the league as a whole should such an event occur
   
2. the series of events leading to David Beckham's messianic return to the Galaxy just in time for the MLS Cup playoffs, where he scores from one free-kick opportunity per game until the final, where he transforms into a being of pure light and converts the American sporting public into fans of the beautiful game, eradicating any memory of the beastly corruption currently known as "football" in the United States
3. events said to include (1) the Wizards' unreasoning hatred of Pete Vagenas, thus precipitating two red cards and corresponding suspensions, (2) the witchcraft that has allowed the Galaxy to be out-shot and out-played, often times heavily, in the last three matches, but still manage victories, (3) the voodoo hex that have made any LA shot on goal find the back of the net in the last two fixtures (3 shots on goal = 3 goals scored), (4) the mysteriously indifferent or outright awful form of LA's four rivals for the final two playoff spots, (5) Chicago's run of bad luck that is keeping them from victories, including but not limited to: stoppage time equalizers, PK calls, temporary goalkeeper paralysis resulting in Moreno's equalizer for DC, opposition netminders transforming into "superkeepers" to foil the Fire, et al
4. not to be confused with "Becks' Pirate Sea", a private expanse of water somewhere in the Caribbean and not subject to the International Law of the Sea, stocked with extras and props from the popular Disney movie franchise and resulting from one of several "secret clauses" reputed to be part of David Beckham's MLS compensation package
   

Tickle v. Tackle 17

Tickle

• Captain Kissypants fails from the spot after the crazy voodoo smooching routine in the SuperLiga final and blows LA's one chance for silverware this season. Then he goes and fails again in the "relegation battle" with RSL. Any chance he drops the craziness or are we stuck with it?
• Dempsey is the man in Fulham's fight-back against Spurs with a goal and two assists as he tries to fill the McHead-sized void in the Cottagers front line. Could he fill the similar sized abyss in the USA attack?
• DC United with a crushing victory over Dallas in a Supporters' Shield six-pointer on the road to extend an already-healthy win streak. I hope it's not too early to be peaking like this, but a run at defending the Supporters' Shield might be a big tonic for United's tourney disappointments so far this season. Of course, all is for naught unless we make it to the MLS Cup final at RFK this year.
  

Tackle

• Boy howdy was that a big tackle felt on both sides of the Atlantic. Becks is down for the count and will miss England's Euro qualifiers and possibly the rest of the MLS season. Can this fiasco get any worse? I suppose they could install Lalas as a player/manager and move from screwing the pooch to Michael Vick territory.
• Another big UGH for Wednesday. Four games in - still without a point and sitting rock bottom of the Fizzy Soda Pop League. Laws made a couple of signings as deadline day approached, but can he get things turned around before the notoriously trigger-happy nabobs at the top show him the well-used revolving door at Hillsborough?
• Brian Hall with yet another miserable showing in the DC-Dallas game. What the hell was he on about yelling at Burch when the kid clearly didn't hear the whistle? Somebody needs a binky, or perhaps some anger management classes. While he's there maybe he can get his eyes checked as well. The Bard said it best in that famed Nostradamian moment when he concluded with damning finality, "Inconsistency thy name is Brian Hall!" I think that was from one his "lost" plays. Was it "The Trading of Adu" or was it "The Grown-Ass Man Of Florida"? Possibly "A Midsummer Night's Dissent" or "Lalas' LA Bores Lost (Again)"?
  

A Terrible Triumvirate

1. US U-17's - They're all but eliminated from the U-17 World Cup after losing 3-1 to group leaders Tunisia. This time, it wasn't that the opposition were quicker or more spirited that killed the US, it was a lack of creativity in the final third. The US was fairly good at holding the ball and passing it about the midfield, but couldn't seem to fashion much in the way of scoring chances. Don't they play enough 5-a-side at Bradenton? The attacking moves were staid and predictable. After the ref gave two soft pens, I was shocked that they didn't dump it in the box a bit more looking for similar whistle-happy treatment of their own forwards.
   
2. LA Galaxy - Right off the bat - let's give the Beckster some credit here. Going the full 90 on Wednesday and again last night showed an impressive (if foolish) level of commitment, particularly on a bum ankle. I hope his labors were born of dedication to the team and not a sense of obligation to the fair-weather, shirt-buying, down on their knees and rubbing their faces in celebrity poop, public. Despite his participation, the Galaxy are just awful and Chivas simply toyed with them before dispatching them on the break. If there is anybody with a moderate familiarity with MLS that doesn't see that Lalas has an inverse Midas Touch (everything he touches turns to merde!), they need to get themselves to an ophthamologist right quick. It'll be good to see Frank Yallop back in San Jose next year instead of smoldering on the bench while this steaming pile of a team bumbles its way through loss after loss. Can you imagine the number of goals they would be conceded were it not for the "saving" graces of Joe Cannon?
3. ESPN - Go away now! I'm not really going to criticize sticking with the WNBA game through three overtimes, because if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be pretty pissed myself. Fans of the "less loved" sports need to stick together anyway. What I have no more patience for is their soccer coverage, in particular Dave O'Brien. Now, didn't some ESPN big-wig come out and say that the "all-Becks, all the time" coverage that mangled his first game would slack off a bit? Could have fooled me - guess Davy-O didn't get the memo. And that freakin' cam on a zip line! I'm watching a team rush down the field and suddenly this little UFO comes in like an alien making a strafing run on the Chivas back line? Ugh! And what's with the need to add folks? Just cause you've only got two in the booth doesn't mean you need to add yet another sideline reporter. Or was that the dedicated "Beckham-Reporter" to go along with the "Beckam-Cam"? Also, I'm no huge fan of Wynalda's, but he generally stays on task fairly well (can you tell I'm married to a teacher?). Last night he was all over the map. I blame O'Brien. How much would it take to put the booth boobs on their own audio channel? (think the SAP button - let's have a GOL "Gushing Off-Topic Loudmouth" button that you can use if you really want to hear the likes of O'Brien and Stoner spread their particular brand of moronic observational, Olympics-style, sob story, I could give a flying $%@&** coverage).
   

ESPN Flattened by Karma Express

Oh to be a fly on the wall in Bristol the night after the Beckham promise was delivered . . . to FSC. 66k+ in the Swamp, 9 goals, three of LA's four goals coming from Beckham set pieces, the man himself going the full 90 and wheelin' and dealin' the long balls despite being 60-70% fit, and a late winner in front of an enraptured crowd. And all this drama laid out for FSC's cameras after the unbearable Beckham hype-a-thon perpetrated by the nefarious nexus of the ESPN and MLS HQ's. Why?

Karma.

Plain and simple, there it is. While not exactly blessed with on-air talent, they do treat the game with a bit more respect than ESPN has shown it. Pre and post-game shows, highlights from other (gasp!) MLS matches at halftime, no pictures of balding Irish nitwits in wigs, no stories of which cousin Kyle Martino took to his prom, and audio-only commentary from sideline reporters during the game. What do all of these things get you in return? One hell of a game.

Now, it wasn't pretty, or anywhere close to the best-played game you'll see. Indeed, the defenses were wretched, the officiating was questionable at best, the handful of quality players stood out like 18 year olds playing against U-12's, Beckham's ankle didn't allow him to jump, tackle, or race about with his usual abandon, and most of those on the pitch seemed to be a bit overwhelmed by the occasion. But there was drama in spades.

Three goals in the opening 8 minutes put Beckham's men in charge 2-1, but Mathis equalized on the stroke of halftime before Altidore pushed the Bulls ahead by two with a second half brace. Then the Gals roared back, with Donovan pulling them within one before the equalizer off a Beckham corner with just 10 minutes remaining pulled them level at 4-4. And there it would have remained if not for an amazing bit of finishing from Angel at an impossible angle with 5 minutes remaining won the three points for New York in front of the massive home crowd.

It was pretty much every soccer television producer's wet dream of what MLS+Beckham would equal. Lots of goals, lots of Beckham, lots of fans, lots of drama. That is the game you trot out for the casual fan. Purists and curmudgeons, and I freely admit to belonging to this group, will bemoan the terrifying lack of defending and massive gaps in quality among the players (alright, there were injuries - but come on!), yet may still have found enjoyment in how well taken some of the goals were and how exciting the game was given the sheer number of chances created and wide open style of play. It was like the Premiership on speed with inebriated defenders. Not a pretty spectacle, but a spectacle nonetheless.

And one final note to Bob Bradley, since I know that he's a faithful reader of The Files. Call up Jozy Altidore please! Sure he's only 17, but he's big, strong, fast, has a good touch and knows how to finish. It's not like you've got a huge backlog of players like that waiting to get on the pitch. Give the kid a shot in one or more of these upcoming friendlies and see what he has to offer on the big stage. He clearly wasn't in awe of the situation last night, and if you can finish cooly and play well in front of 66k and a media circus, you're ready for prime time.

United Recap - Bend Over for Beckham

Notice that it's not "Bent Over by Beckham". True, he did hit a good free-kick. Also true, he steered a "dagger ball" through the United back line for the Gals second. But - Perkins was caught admiring the "bend" on Beck's free-kick when he should have been busy trying to save it, and Gros is not a defender. Is Soehn even watching his team? Gros has looked miserable to moderately bad as a left back all season, and yet was borderline man-of-the-match when he pushed up onto the wing in the last two MLS matches. Stick him in at the back and within two minutes you've given up the goal that knocks you out of the tournament.

What does this tell you? It tells me - and anybody else with half a brain cell - that Gros is a midfielder, not a defender! Please refrain from putting him on the back line. Also, Brian Carroll = trade bait. The dude has been miserable this season. Whether it's a lack of confidence after failing to catch on with a Euro side this winter or just an inability to be the lone defensive/holding mid in United's new formation, he's just not working out.

Now, all is not doom and gloom. United did control the opening half hour and the closing stages of this match. They just got punched in the gut by the Beckham goal and caught with their Gros, I mean pants, down on the second. The Black-and-Red were consigned to defeat by those two lapses, Joe Cannon finally proving his worth in the LA net, and the dreaded recurrence of the finishing disease. United created more than enough chances to net two goals, and possibly more, but either failed to convert or were denied on every occasion.

So, another semi-final crash out in an international competition. We've now missed out on the Champion's Cup, the Open Cup, and SuperLiga, with Sudamerica, the Supporters' Shield, and MLS Cup to play for. Realistically, I've got to think that Sudamerica might be a bit of a stretch, and we're going to need a lot more consistency if we expect to get anywhere near the Shield. That leaves us with MLS Cup 2007. It's in our house, but will we be there? With the tools his disposal, Soehn should be able to make a run at it, but does he have the experience and tactical nous to pull it off? The Magic Eight Ball says - "Outlook not so good".

MLS Thursday Night Futbol - Some Guy's MLS Debut

I'll get to Golden Balls in a bit. First let's do a proper United Recap shall we? GOD DAMN OUR FINISHING DISEASE!!! Seriously. Benny and Emiligol both had wide open chances in the first 15 minutes and failed to put them on frame. We should have been 2-0 up and cruising at that point. The real shame is that we weren't getting enough shots on goal as Emiligol showed that good things happen when you put the keeper under pressure. Instead, we've got a lot of blazing over the bar and holding the ball too long. Of course, LA do suck, so United still managed to make the one goal stand, which is actually a big mental hurdle to clear with the way that LA has spanked us at home recently.

Their failure to do so tonight is due in no small part to the Crew Castaways (Buddle & Martino) doing their best to demonstrate to the visiting Steve McClaren just how terrible American finishing can get. Oh, and Mr. Marufo pitched in to save the win with his non-call on the PK-worthy WWF takedown of Captain Kissypants by McTavish. The United defense is still making these brain-dead mistakes and missed clearances that lead to far too many chances conceded. Luckily, Perkins was in fairly good form tonight and managed to clean up most of the messes.

Tactically, Tommy Soehn made a pretty astute switch at the half in swapping Fred and Olsen. Fred wasn't having much success on the inside, and as soon as he went outside, he seemed to play with much greater confidence. Enough so that Martino lunged in to take him out and saw red for his efforts. Still, Fred's influence grew throughout the second and he was unlucky not to get at least one assist.

On the other wing, Josh Gros seemed to be making up for lost time spent in defense as he was getting forward at every opportunity. I don't think I've ever seen him play this high up the pitch before. Maybe, without a whole wing to deal with (as Burch takes the defensive responsibilities), he doesn't know what to do with his excess energy and sort of ends up in more forward positions by default. Now, if only he'd learn to cross and make decisions more quickly.

Speaking of quickness, or rather the lack thereof, let's talk about Jaime. Honestly, he slowed down the attack so much and dwelled on the ball so long that I was going nuts shouting at him to speed things up. He did create a few chances and even had a couple of his own, but where is the Jaime of the Copa? On another Jaime note - I'm almost glad he didn't break the MLS scoring record tonight, as it would have been tainted with all of the attention falling on a certain Mr. Beckham.

And that brings us to what I'm sure will be on everyone's lips. The Debut finally happened, with the man himself trotted out for 20 minutes at the end of the game. Thank goodness he finally did get in the game as we were missing whole swathes of live action to watch him warming up on the sidelines! The Golden One had a few good passes that led to chances thwarted by Perkins coming off of his line. Not a bad debut and he didn't look to be suffering too terribly from the injury. Applauding the fans as he left was nice to see as well.

While we're on the leaving bit - what's the deal with the second jersey? The old hobo tramp Benny Olsen (hope he didn't do anything too serious to the hammy!) scored the game jersey, but the Beckham-minions were on the spot to dish the Anointed One a spare to put on for the cameras. What's up with that? Speculation #1 - marketroids from MLS, Adidas, Herbalife, or all of the above insist that he always be seen wearing their product when he's appearing on their dime. Speculation #2 - gotta keep the tats hidden from the kiddies and soccer moms cause this is a "family game", according to the Grand Poobah Brainiacs at craptacular MLS HQ.

Ugh. Well - at least it's over. Now maybe we can get on with the business of an exciting close to the season and dramatic run up to MLS Cup 2007. Right? Please? Oh, okay. Beckham, Beckham, Beckham . . .